A bad day...

I woke up today sick. Really sick. What I call a "below baseline" day. Everything in my body and mind hurts or feels weird. 

My legs and hands are vibrating. Feels like electricity is running through them, some kind of internal vibration. My head feels swollen or inflamed from the inside out. Like my brain is too big for my skull. I got up to go to the bathroom and had to lay back down again quickly, so dizzy and weak.

Does this ever end? Over 20 years of this shit, and counting.

I got so much to do, so much.

Mentally, having a hard time too. The ups and downs of this disease just suck. You get your hopes up, having some good days or thinking some treatment or protocol is working then bam, you are down again. Fuck this. I hate Lyme.

Again, my mind goes to so much to do. I have over 100 messages to read between g mail, yahoo and Facebook. All people looking for answers. I don't know what to tell them anymore. I want to give them hope but I don't want to give them false hope.

Does anything work? People swear by "A, B & C" but I see the same people here on facebook that I used to talk to 8 years ago on Myspace. Noone is going anywhere, we are all still here trying to figure this out. Only a handful seem to have broken free from the Lyme world.

Should I answer questions anymore? Do I make people lose hope when I tell them my opinions? Or is the truth necessary to move forward to get some answers? Is my truth different from other people's truths though? Maybe I should just retire and be done with the Lyme politics. Should I do Mayday and the Worldwide? What am I fighting for anymore? I think we need more research and that's what we should be fighting for. But sometimes I feel alone in that. When I post about that, everyone argues with me. So why do I put 24/7 into something I stand alone on? I guess because my heart tells me to. And I follow my heart above all else because I believe that is where God put's "His Voice," in our hearts. That little voice that tells us to do this or that, just because we should.

Part of me just wants to retire and let others take over now. But I feel responsibility because I know I have all of you at my fingertips.. I know I can help, I can organize. Everyone is too sick and suffering and it's gotta stop. Kids have this...that little voice in my heart tells me to keep going.  But something is missing. We're like a bunch of rats running around a maze with no clue what we are fighting for. How do we get us all to unite. Or maybe all the different battles and goals are necessary to reach the big one. Recognition of this damn disease?

Yep bad day.