Lyme Jokes

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2012 New Year's Resolutions for Lymies:
by Lori Shaddy
1. Decline EVEN more invitations than in 2011
2. Sleep EVEN MORE than I have ever slept so I can get in the Book of world Records
3. Meet a few more doctors and hear them say it is all in my head... the new vocabulary might help me with my word problems
4. Try not to laugh when someone declares it was just a bug bite
5. Get that last Tick Borne disease I missed... I don't wanna fail at this
6. Forget even more crap I never really needed to know in order to survive
7. Get my telephone number tattooed on my wrist to simplify my life
8. Bore everyone with the details of my preferred disease... I really wish I had gotten Turrett's just so I could violently swear and bark with a valid excuse
9. Enlarge my dark circles underneath my eyes
10. Watch an entire show without falling asleep
11. Use my very last ounce of energy to tell off a certain someone
12. Find better excuses for declining events... like I will be busy puking my guts out or I have too many meds to take or i can't stay awake through their monotony... 
13. Find a polite way to say, "I woudn't waste my last drop of energy on you."
14. Find a way not to puke over Doxycyclene
15. Relearn 5 names and have them come out when I say them
16. Find a new hairdo besides a ponytail that should've been washed days ago
17. Tell people they haven't seen me in a while because I was in Hawaii
18. Manage to stomach the pharmacist's look of disgust as he hands me my medications like I am a drug addict. As if I take Ketek for the high...
19. Remember that is it not all about me like that one snotty relative keeps saying
20. Take my medicine containers out to the recycling bin




Reasons I Cannot Attend Your Event:
by Lori Shaddy

1. I will be cleaning out my Tivo list
2. I am almost finished stacking my medicine containers in a pyramid
3. I have too many medications to take at intervals you would never understand
4. I need to test my sofa's firmness level
5. I have decided that this year is not my year
6. I have infomercials to watch
7. I can't remember your name
8. I didn't know I was still related to all of you
9. I only hang with lymies 
10. I have been so out of the loop that i don't understand the new slang terms
11. I will have inappropriate pauses in my speech that will make all of you uncomfortable
12. Nothing clean to wear
13. I can safely drive there but not home
14. I can no longer find your house... or the store... or anything
15. that is the night I already decided i would vacuum my house this year. Bummer.
16. When you ask me to make a salad for 40 and i do it, you say it is too heavy to pass and nobody likes salad
17. Remember you said I ruined the last wedding because I had to leave at 11:30 pm
18. Remember you told me I am no fun because I can't drink while on my meds... and, I learned you are not fun when you drink
19. I might fly into a Lyme rage and bite you.... causing YOU to get Lyme
20. Actually, I cannot come because all this time I didn't have Lyme disease... I have had cancer... I just lied so I could see what you are all REALLY like.
21. I have a doctor appointment with my crazy doctor... Isn't that what you all call him??
22. My FaceBook friends need me that night
23. When you said shopping, did you mean walking at the mall or online shopping? I love the online... oh, mall... I cannot walk that far any longer...









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Okay let me start by saying, I know Lyme is nothing to joke around with. But we do need a little distraction from this horrible disease that overtakes our lives and sometimes if we can laugh at something it helps!

You  know you have Lyme when:
1. You know more about medications, supplements, drug interactions then your doctor/pharmacist combined.

2. If all you want for Christmas is ear plugs, dark sunglasses, and every book written by PJ Langhoff.

3. If you are still up when it's time to get the kids off to school.

4. You either sleep twelve hours in a row or stay up three days straight, there is no in between. 

5. The only thing you are allowed to eat is brown rice and sweet potatoes. 

6. When all your best friends are online. 

7. When you're happy that your husband left, without you. 

8. When you try to drive your kid to school, but end up in the Walmart parking lot with a gallon of milk and no kid in the car. 

9. You're dogs have learned to cross their legs waiting for you to get up in the morning.

10. You have a pill holder bigger then your Grandmas.

11.  Sex, what is that? Who cares.

12. When you have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue, Parkinsons, MS, Lupus, and Panic Disorder.


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Three Lymies are sitting around a table.
The first one says: "Man this morning I standing in the driveway and I didn't know if I was walking to the mailbox, or from it!"

The second one says, "Yeah today I opened the frig and didn't know if I needed the milk or the butter."

The third one says, "Thank God it hasn't affected my memory yet, knock on wood. Oh someone is at the door, Ill be right back..."







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This is the funniest Lyme Cartoon ever, I did not make it, but whoever did is hilarous!  Check it out!







4 comments:

  1. Excellent - had to share the 'cartoon' - which is as true as they come. I'm so impressed with your information - you must have Lyme disease or something!

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  2. Thank you Gary, and yeah ARtist, have had it many many years now:( Im guessing you do to since you found your way to this blog!

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  3. Thanks for the humor! If you can still laugh well then thats some medicine we all need!

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