Reasons I Cannot Attend Your Event:

Reasons I Cannot Attend Your Event:

1. I will be cleaning out my Tivo list
2. I am almost finished stacking my medicine containers in a pyramid
3. I have too many medications to take at intervals you would never understand
4. I need to test my sofa's firmness level
5. I have decided that this year is not my year
6. I have infomercials to watch
7. I can't remember your name
8. I didn't know I was still related to all of you
9. I only hang with lymies 
10. I have been so out of the loop that i don't understand the new slang terms
11. I will have inappropriate pauses in my speech that will make all of you uncomfortable
12. Nothing clean to wear
13. I can safely drive there but not home
14. I can no longer find your house... or the store... or anything
15. that is the night I already decided i would vacuum my house this year. Bummer.
16. When you ask me to make a salad for 40 and i do it, you say it is too heavy to pass and nobody likes salad
17. Remember you said I ruined the last wedding because I had to leave at 11:30 pm
18. Remember you told me I am no fun because I can't drink while on my meds... and, I learned you are not fun when you drink
19. I might fly into a Lyme rage and bite you.... causing YOU to get Lyme
20. Actually, I cannot come because all this time I didn't have Lyme disease... I have had cancer... I just lied so I could see what you are all REALLY like.
21. I have a doctor appointment with my crazy doctor... Isn't that what you all call him??
22. My FaceBook friends need me that night
23. When you said shopping, did you mean walking at the mall or online shopping? I love the online... oh, mall... I cannot walk that far any longer...